Andy: Linda! I just asked you to pick up some bagels while you were at the store. I didn’t ask you to reconstruct the universe!

For years, Linda listened to Andy’s anger. He was angry at home and angry at work. Andy would embarrass her by arguing with their friends over everything from politics to baseball scores. She constantly told him it was fine to disagree, but his shrill voice and put-downs were inexcusable.

Now she heard her own anger erupt:
Linda: Andy, that’s enough! I’m tired of shopping for you and catering to you and seeing our kids collapse under your anger and making excuses for you when friends complain. I’m done with this.

She bolted from the house, slammed the door, disappeared into the car, and drove off to Sandy’s house to unwind.

That night, Linda dreamed that she walked past Andy’s computer room and into another room. She leaned against the wall, and a door opened next to a circular staircase. After many upward turns, she found herself in an attic. In the far corner stood a huge glass jug with Andy’s name on it.

A bright red sign floated near the top of the jug. It read, “Anger.”
Three blue signs floated lower down: “Hurt,” “Sad,” and “Lonely.”
Resting at the bottom of the jug were two green signs labeled “Compassion” and “Love.”

In her dream, Linda took a stick and stirred the contents gently. Some of the anger at the top slowly dissipated. Then the other signs floated toward the top, all in a row. She bubbled with enthusiasm when she turned and met Andy at the staircase.

Andy: So you found my secret jug.
Linda: Uh, huh. I forgot you had all those wonderful parts.
Andy: Well, I couldn’t let people see them. That’s too dangerous.
Linda: I guess so, but I’m glad I found them. Maybe I can help you use all of those hidden parts and still feel safe.
Andy: Even anger?
Linda: Even anger, when necessary, if it’s expressed without hurting others. As long as you also bring the other good parts down from the attic. Eventually, I think revealing your hurt, sad, and lonely parts will free you to use more of the compassion and love you have hidden. I know you have these qualities because you used them many times when we first met. I bet we’ll be much happier if we both make more use of these parts.

Andy: Thanks for stirring my emotions. Maybe now I’ll now feel freer to express all my parts.

Linda awoke and felt encouraged. Her dream paved the way toward helping Andy recover the love and compassion that were buried within him.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Mark Twain noted: “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Continually holding anger inside is physically and mentally damaging. It can raise our blood pressure, cause ulcers, migraines, depression, and a host of other illnesses. A fulfilling life requires that we express our anger, hurt, sadness, and loneliness so kindness and love can emerge. However, we must express these emotions, without blame, so that our partner can hear us.

We can help our partner and ourselves by understanding that below the anger lies a whole spectrum of emotions that developed over a lifetime of experiences. Understanding the roots of these emotions makes it easier to listen to our partner with compassion.

Sustaining Your Snuggle
Expressing anger is acceptable if it is not used to hurt your partner. We all become angry over traffic, office conflicts, or daily annoyances. We also become angry over our partner’s behavior. In these situations, speak with them about your feelings. Omit such phrases as “You always” or “You never.” Learn to say “I feel” instead.

Help your partner remove that protective barrier of anger and stubbornness by listening with compassion. They can then more easily tap into and enjoy their loving and caring parts.

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NOTE: This is one of 81 Snuggles included in the book, Power Snuggles.