In The News
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
A Calmer Division of Labor at Home
With couples sharing tasks, it is harder to agree on the best approach; calmer when one spouse is away?
Some differences over housework or child care run too deep to be negotiated, sparking arguments “so fraught and pervasive that they can go on for months or years,” says Jon Meyerson, a Sarasota, Fla., couples therapist and co-author with his wife Beverly of “Power Snuggles,” a book on resolving conflicts. Such battles may mask deeper unmet needs, such as one spouse’s feelings of being unappreciated or misunderstood.
Others are power struggles rooted in fundamentally different beliefs about such issues as how to discipline a child or clean a house. “A lot of these issues go back to childhood,” says Beverly Meyerson, when people learn basic priorities and values about home life. For instance, a spouse who was raised to regard spending free time with the children as a mark of a good parent might clash with a partner who places higher priority on taking time together as a couple.
Parents don’t have to agree on all aspects of children’s daily routines and discipline, but they should try to agree on major issues and present a united front to children, backing each other up after a decision has been made. A child whose father says no to sweets shouldn’t be allowed to squeeze a yes out of Mom, for example, in a divide-and-conquer strategy.
Even deep rifts can serve as a basis for closeness and understanding if couples learn to talk about them without putting each other on the defensive and validate each other’s views, Ms. Meyerson says. That doesn’t mean spouses have to agree, she says—it just means you’re willing to accept your partner’s feelings and discuss both sides of the issue.
Click here to read the full article.
