Introduction

Rachel in Love

Rachel remembers that Sunday morning when Bradley’s dog ran toward her in the park and jumped up, begging to be petted. Bradley scolded, “Down Plato, down!” and he apologized profusely, but it was too late. Plato had already drawn muddy streaks on her jeans.

Rachel had said, “No major damage. He’s just a friendly dog.” Then Rachel and Bradley began chatting. Their smiles and chitchat led to conversation at an outside café with coffee and sticky buns. Plato was nearby lapping up a bowl of water.

Rachel’s thoughts return to the present, where she sits at her office desk. She pictures Bradley’s smile and how he holds her hand and speaks so engagingly about so many subjects. They have been dating for eight weeks. Actually, it has been seven weeks and five days, but Rachel likes the idea of eight weeks since that means almost two months. Now it’s Friday so they have ahead of them another full weekend together.

Rachel cannot imagine they will ever part, but her best friend, Kathy, had once been this in love. Now Kathy and her husband, Dan, argue right in front of her. Rachel and Bradley might marry and live together for the rest of their lives. However, to stay happily married, they will need to minimize their “Power Struggles” of couples like Kathy and Dan and learn to “Power Snuggle.”

Power Struggles

A Power Struggle is a disagreement that evolves into an argument. Each partner tries to “win” the argument, believing they are right. Each tries to control the other. Rather than listening, they up the ante to prove their point. They may become angry, tense, and loud. They feel stress throughout their bodies, causing both mental and physical damage.

During Power Struggles there is no winner. Even the apparent winner loses since their partner becomes resentful and tries to get even, compounding the turmoil. Because partners are not working toward a resolution by listening to each other, these conflicts may continue for months or years. If conflicts occur frequently, they may lead couples to the point where their relationship cannot be salvaged.

The following narrative illustrates a relatively simple Power Struggle:

Bill: Oh no! I forgot to use the 20 percent off coupon at the store.
Jill: I can’t believe you forgot to use it. You always forget things like that. You know we’re tight on money!
Bill: Why didn’t you remind me? And I don’t always do it. You know, you’re not perfect. Last week, you lost the key to the file cabinet, and it took us a day to find it.

Power Snuggles

A joyful, long-term relationship requires that we minimize Power Struggles and increase Power Snuggles. Power Snuggling practices loving behaviors, building safety and trust, which will temper difficult situations. Disagreements are unavoidable; however, by listening intently to each other and being open to each other’s suggestions, our collective ideas will lead to agreeable decisions. Power Snuggles focus on the “we” instead of the “me.”

Through Power Snuggles, love and affection will abound as we merge our best ideas and accept each other’s imperfections, understanding that no one is perfect. Power Snuggling allows us to grow by learning from each other, becoming best friends as well as lovers.

The following illustrates a relatively simple Power Snuggle:
Bill: Oh no! I forgot to use the 20 percent off coupon at the store.
Jill: No problem. I know you have a lot on your mind. I’ll use it on Thursday when I go out.
Bill: Thanks, Hon. (They hug.)

We have worked with hundreds of couples who were looking for ways to connect without daily conflicts. Through Power Snuggling, we have shown them how to capture the joy of long-term love, an even deeper form of love than the romantic love that initially attracts couples. The ideas and communication skills described in this book have worked successfully for most couples, as well as for singles seeking a loving relationship. If you are willing to try some new ideas, you too can realize the deep, loving couplehood you and your partner deserve.

Praise for Power Snuggles

“In a warm, readable style, Power Snuggles offers rich insights in understanding—and improving—the common disconnects that can build into heavy intimate-relationship burdens. Through charming vignettes, the Meyersons demonstrate empathy for both sides of such relatively universal marital frictions then offer sound suggestions for mutually positive reconnection. A delight to read, and re-read.” —Laura Mestelman, retired clinical psychology service (psychometrist), McMaster University Medical Centre

“Jon and Beverly’s new book, Power Snuggles, seizes on some of the best research from the marriage and family sciences, blending that research with the warmth of story and anecdote. As a practicing therapist, as well as an instructor of marriage and family therapy, I highly recommend this book.” —Dr. Robb Palmer LMFT, Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy,  Graduate School of Marriage and Family Studies, Evangelical Seminary

“Your Snuggles are warm, encouraging, human, and SO approachable for couples. You model good, straightforward, loving, and playful communication. We often forget the incredible healing force of play and humor. This book should be mandatory reading for all couples!” —Joal Ann Bennett-Stenzel, LCSW, couples psychotherapist

“ It is with pleasure that I recommend the Meyersons’ book, Power Snuggles. I have found sharing various stories within Power Snuggles as a way to help military couples hear their own struggles, without criticism or defensiveness. When in pain, it is difficult to remember a time when you were not in pain. These stories remind us that we are not alone.” —Johnny Cusimano, Social Services Assistance Coordinator, Soldier and Family Assistance Center, Fort Stewart, Georgia 

“Everyone needs to read this book!  It is fabulously enlightening, easy, fun to read and re-read. I’ve been waiting for Beverly and Jon to write this book since their first one, After the Glass Slipper.  Power Snuggles is a great guide to help clients improve their relationships, showing them how to move from Power Struggles to truly resolving issues. Their stories, examples, exercises, and advice help with the biggest issue we all share: how to communicate with someone we love, our opposite.” —Donna C. Fortney, LPC, Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist; past president, Northern Virginia Licensed Professional Counselors

“I love the Meyersons’ down-to-earth writing: entertaining, normalizing, and easily digested therapeutic truths ranging from neuroscience, Hollywood, and sports to everyday life stories. This is a book with the best of relationship wisdom that I can give to my family, in addition to clients, without appearing to ‘therapize.’” —M. Dorsey Cartwright, LPC, LMFT, CCMHC, past president, Austin Chapter of the Texas Association for Marriage and Family Therapy

“As an individual who does extensive pre-marital and post-marital counseling, I can offer an enthusiastic endorsement of Power Snuggles. I find the book valuable in that it is co-authored by a husband-and-wife team representing Erich Fromm’s differentiation between male and female perspectives.” —Rabbi Harold S. White, spiritual advisor, Interfaith Families Project of Greater Washington, D.C.

“Power Snuggles –– what a great title that captures the great gift that Jon and Beverly have given us. This is a power-packed handbook of tools and techniques that can help each of us develop and maintain a loving relationship. It’s both down-to-earth and soaring to great heights simultaneously. Thanks for the gift; thanks for the toolbox.” —Dr. Bernard S. Arons, psychiatrist,  Director of Medical Affairs, Saint Elizabeths Hospital, Washington, D.C.

“Jon and Beverly, husband-and-wife therapy team, exquisitely tackle most issues couples may experience with a story to which we can relate, accompanying humor, and a bit of analysis, and each solution to a particular issue takes only two pages. This book is a much-needed jewel.” —Rev. Stephen Parker, Episcopal priest

“I have enjoyed reading your ‘Power Snuggles’ newsletters, and I frequently send them to my couples clients, who enjoy them as well and find the guidance very helpful. Thank you for your creativity and wisdom. Good stuff!” 
—Margery Silverton, LCSW-C, Director, Relationship Counseling Services

“This is an engaging book. It is very clever with nicely distilled theories that even the layman can understand.” —Judith Asner, MSW, BCD, LCSW-C, psychotherapist

“My husband and I have been married for sixty-nine years! It is amazing, even at our age, how often the advice in Power Snuggles gets to the root of some of our problems and helps us resolve them. We have advice for younger couples: It is never too late to improve your love relationship.” —Doris Miller, retired English teacher and wife

“Relationship lies at the heart and soul of who we are and what we do. In their book Power Snuggles, Beverly and Jon address relationship issues in a clear, meaningful manner, providing key insights into relationship stressors and practical steps to overcome that which threatens or undermines what we hold dear.” —Jane Ferguson, Safeguarding Coordinator/Support Person for Survivors, Spiritan Provincialate, Dublin, Ireland